“The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.” —Ekhart Tolle
Tactical Notes:
- Some people will interact with you based on who you were, not who you are. That’s okay—it’s a reflection of their map, not your current terrain.
- Gently assert your present self.
- Bring your new energy, new boundaries, new perspectives—even if it’s awkward.
- Don’t shrink to fit the old story.
- Acknowledge: before or as you enter these interactions, consciously acknowledge the potential to slip into old patterns. What specific situations, topics, or even tones of voice tend to trigger the “old you”?
- Be aware: noticing when you’re triggered, annoyed, withdrawn, people-pleasing, or shrinking into an old version of yourself. Not judging it—just seeing it.
- When you feel the old pattern starting (a defensive reaction, slipping into an old role like ‘the quiet one’ or ‘the entertainer’), create a tiny space between the trigger and your response. In this space lives your freedom to choose a different way to show up:
- Saying something different than you normally would.
- Setting a boundary politely (“I’d rather not talk about that,” or “I see that differently now”).
- Staying silent and observant instead of jumping in.
- Asking a clarifying question instead of making an assumption based on past dynamics
To find acceptance and move on from a grief: Ho’oponopono I forgive you I’m sorry, please forgive me Thank you I love you